~The Mongoose Sentinal~

[StoneChimes]

Good day ladies and germntleman.. cough..

This park has evolved alot in the last couple of years as a community (thoughtful, intelligent hand gesture) And I think it's time this park had a newspaper. 

**appropriate amount of applause** 

So. anyhoo.. I thought that this should be a place for people to post any really pressing or relevant news stories they need to get off teir chest..

AND aside from the rules of the board, you can write whatever report you want here as long as you follow TWO stipulations: one - it's funny & two - it's not true.

This thread is for stories of dubious quality and factuality .. I'll start a The Mongoose Sentinal Classifieds section for discussion about the articles..   

I'll see you guys soon I hope   

[StoneChimes]

Melbourne, Australia 12/02/2007

A courageous young man who despite years of suffering bad breath and a crap personality has made history today by starting a fake newspaper that is not only fake but contains no news whatsover and is not made out of any paper.

No one was available to comment sensibly. A wolf was heard to howl sarcastically in the distance. I dare you not to try and recreate that image.

Reuters not

[Shit machine gun]

Brockville, Ontario, Canada  15/04/2007

A woman here gave birth to the new messiah today.  It was born with a halo and wings and everything.  The father is thought to be BatBoy of Weekly World News fame.  More to follow.

AP not

[Fishyneil]

Owen Sound, Ontario Canada 02/12/07

Local man gone mad.
A local man, driven crazy by having to shovel every day, took things into his own hands. He purchased an army issue flame thrower and obliterated the entire driveway of snow while wearing hip waders.
  The authorities have placed the man in the local institution for observation.

FP (Fishy Press)

[shake]

Owen Sound, Ontario Canada 02/12/07

Man detained in local institution after purchasing flame thrower.

An unidentified man was held for observation after causing a very public disturbance at the Owen Sound Mental Health institution.   The man went there to purchase a flame thrower from one of the recently admitted patients, a Fishard Neil of Owen Sound.  After paying Neil $50 the man left the institution and decided to test his flame thrower in the parking lot.  When it didn’t work the man became infuriated and ran back into the institution.  He was very agitated and had to be subdued by Washington several of the other staff members.  He was heard to utter “If I had a flame thrower that actually worked, I’d take a flame thrower to this place!”

Mongoose Sentinal Staff Reporter

[Djet3k]

EXTRA! EXTRA! Reaaaad all about it!,whole institution burns down right after inmates learned how to operate flamethroooowers, EXTRA EXTRA...

[shake]

*Geez you have to fast around here or you will get scooped.  I already had these ready to go so here they are*

Owen Sound, Ontario Canada 02/12/07

Local Institution starts flame thrower repair program.

The Owen Sound Mental Health institution has announced it will begin a pilot program whereby patients will provide flame throwing repair services to the community.  A spokesman for the institution felt it was a win-win situation for the institution and the community.  He cited a recent increase in the popularity of snow blowers as snow removal devices, and surprisingly an increase in the number of flame throwers in need of repair.  Local residents are encouraged to drop their flame throwers off at the institution, Mon – Fri between 9 am and 5 pm.

Mongoose Sentinal Staff Reporter

[shake]

Owen Sound, Ontario Canada 02/12/07

Local Institution cancels flame thrower repair program.

The Owen Sound Mental Health institution has announced it will cancel its pilot program whereby patients were to provide flame throwing repair services to the community.  A spokesman for the institution felt that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after several patients suffered severe burns.  One patient commented that the idea was a good one and would have worked if they had been given a bigger room.  He was quoted as saying “They should have foreseen the need to test the flame throwers and given us sufficient space for testing.  Instead they put us in a room with several rows of cubicles a few feet apart from each other.  You could barely light a lighter without singing your neighbor’s eyebrows”.


Mongoose Sentinal Staff Reporter

[shake]

Owen Sound, Ontario Canada 02/12/07

Local Institution plans new pet mongoose program.

The Owen Sound Mental Health institution has announced it will begin a pilot program whereby each patient will be given a pet mongoose.  A spokesman for the institution felt it was a win-win situation for the institution, the patients and the mongoose community.  He cited a recent study showed that mongoose, when kept as pets, can have a peaceful calming effect on Institutionalized patients.  He also mentioned that the President of the Institution was even more impressed with the fact that mongoose milk was great for getting bourbon stains out of khaki pants.  He was quoted as saying “From what I understand these mongoose are very affectionate and will help the healing process of those patients recently admitted to the burn ward.  These patients recently suffered because of what we admit was not a very well thought out plan, we feel the need to make it up to them somehow.  We’ve learned our lesson after the last debacle and we honestly can’t see anything going wrong with this plan.”

Mongoose Sentinal Staff Reporter

[Djet3k]

Owen Sound, Ontario Canada 02/12/07

Mongoose massacre at local institution

The Owen Sound Mental Health institution had to be closed down today since all patients have been hospitalized with mongoose bites and rabies attacks. This all started when one of the patients accidentally misplaced his pet mongoose with a sewer rat. This rat ended up bitting the patient in expliset deleted area which caused an instant rabies attack. To which the patient started bitting and stomping on other patients mongoose. All mongeese got instantly scared from hearing other die and retaliated by attacking everyone inside the building. Bitting trough limb and flesh till the army arrived with poisen mongoose treats. All mongoose are now supposably death except for the one that got originally swapped. Patients are being kept hospitalized and tranquilized till the rabies foam clears of there mouth




Owen Sound, Ontario Canada 03/12/07

New director at local institution gets arrested

It seems like the mental patients at the reopened mental institution just cant get any luck. Police where appalled to find now government advised director Dr Satan experimenting with patients, this just minutes after the reopening ceremony which got held after the the institution burned down for the second time.



The doctor got caught red handed while he was trying to make a sasquatch/cyborg out of one of the patients and was taken in custody urly this morning. The institution stays closed for now since most of the patients are again unfortunately hospitalized. The police hasn't released any testimony yet but the doctor was heard screaming " a mongoose made me do it" while he was taken away.

[shake]

Well that’s just great isn’t it!  Here I was thinking I had the Mongoose Sentinal Staff Pukitzer prize wrapped up.  Now I see I have to compete with floozies that will do anything for a story.  Well don’t think I can’t play that game baby, because I can, you don’t want to know how far to deliver the big story…

What a great story Jdub!  I’d like to do a follow-up giving you full credit for your work so far.  Do you have Conky’s number?

[DAF]

Great story Jdub .  As an avid reader I can't tell ya how I appreicate how you took such big risks to bring us that story .  I was litreally LOL ...... tears comin' from my eyes.  Keep the articles comin' !!!!!!!!!!!

[shake]

Keep the articles comin' !!!!!!!!!!!

Keep the pics comin' 

[shake]

Ottawa, Ontario Canada 05/23/07

Ottawa man hospitalized trying to photograph a bee.

An Ottawa man, who prefers to remain nameless, remains in hospital after a bizarre incident involving a bee.  The man was entered in a digital photo scavenger hunt contest being held on a website which prefers to remain nameless.  Apparently one of the photo requirements the contest runner, in his infinite wisdom, deemed necessary was that of a bee.

The man was irate that while the town was lousy with flowers, due to the annual Tulip Festival, and yet he couldn’t find one f*%king bee.  In an attempt to attract bees, which he f%&king knew were in the city but felt were just avoiding him, he rolled around in a bed of tulips in attempt to cover his body with pollen or whatever is bees like. 

After walking around aimlessly for hours the man did spot a bee in a busy downtown intersection.  He brought out his camera and tried to photograph said bee, but the damn thing wouldn’t keep still.  Figuring he rolled around in tulips damnit, he needed one f*%king picture of one f*%king bee the man decided he would not give up that easily.

Unfortunately the man’s dogged determination led him to follow the bee into oncoming traffic where he was hit by a truck.  As luck would have it the truck that hit the man was carrying millions of bees, some of which became free, and agitated, when the truck came to a sudden stop.  The pollen then did appear to attract the bees which was at least a little bit of consolation for the man, who until then had begun to feel stupid for thinking it would work.

The man is in serious, but stable condition, in the Ottawa Civic hospital.  Visitation is not recommended as all the man can say is “I should have gone for the rub_n_tizzug pic”. 

Mongoose Sentinal Staff Reporter

[Coleharbourjim]

http://www.abc.net.au/news/australia/default.htm  The mongoose ate our stoney !!!!

[Djet3k]

its a link to a bicecle gang shooting, plz dont tell me stoney had to represent himself again and that we need to bail him out of jail again??

[StoneChimes]

My BMX gang fucked their shit up.

[tellkyle]

http://cities.expressindi...llstory.php?newsid=240145

[Shit machine gun]

I'm waiting for the Mongoose Sentinal Fall Wedding spectacular to come out.

[Jdub]

It will actually be the Winter Wedding Spectacular......for those in the North West....for us in the South East it will be the Summer Wedding Spectacular....haha.  Trying for the first
day of summer actually  Stay Tuned as Stoney will be reporting the even right here in ~The Mongoose Sentinal~