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Author Topic: FunnyFinds  (Read 1362 times)

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Vancouver

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« on: Feb 12, 2007, 11:52 PM »
« Last Edit: Feb 13, 2007, 12:03 AM by Vancouver »
TPB Fantasy Hockey League CHAMPION!!

DavidB_Bubbles

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« Reply #1 on: Feb 13, 2007, 01:38 AM »
Funny stuff Vancouver  :lol:

Now for some little known facts about my home state...Oregon.

You Know You're From Oregon When...

Your children learned to walk in Birkenstocks.

You throw an aluminum can in the trash and feel guilty.

You complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice as much as you originally paid.

You only honk your horn if collision is imminent and never for anything else.

You consider something a "hill" (not a mountain) if it doesn't have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of its altitude.

You consider "etiquette" a foreign word.

Most of your friends are from California.

You find a wallet with $500 and give it back to the owner.

You used to live somewhere else but won't admit it publicly.

You've ever ordered a half caff/decaf, nonfat mocha grande with sugar-free cranberry whip (or you know what it is).

You know a bride & groom that registered at REI.

If someone ran your car off the highway, you might drown.

You'd be miffed if the store was out of your favorite brand of water.

Every day is casual Friday.

Hear the word "ferry" and think of boats and long waits.

Know at least eight people who work for Intel or Nike, or used to work for Tektronix.

You think skiing always means being covered from head to toe, in snow or water.

Know that Boring is a town and not just a state of mind.

Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

You return from a California vacation depressed because ?all the grass was dead.?

Remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power and phone service for every winter weather event in the last five years.

Have ever called your insurance agent to ask if your homeowner?s policy covers falling trees, flooding, or mud slides

You never go camping without waterproof matches, ponchos, and mattress pads that double as flotation devices.

You believe swimming is not a sport but a survival skill to prevent boating deaths.

You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have the names of microbreweries/brewpubs printed on them.

You think downtown is "scary" because you were panhandled there, once.

You replace your hiking boots with Birkenstock or Teva sandals when the weather gets above 60 degrees.

You believe people who use umbrellas are wimps or Californians, or both.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Oregon.

Sybil Fawlty: Don't shout at me, I've had a difficult morning.
Basil Fawlty: Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

Ms Vee

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« Reply #2 on: Feb 13, 2007, 02:25 AM »
That's cute David B!
A quaint article in the Province on Sunday.  Tis about an Anti-Valentines Day festive happening.  Like it said in another story following , there should be another name for this Hallmark holiday, such as Walloween!  :lol: BTW I have nothing against Valentines day, I just thought this was amusing. :)

The Province
Published: Sunday, February 11, 2007

Meanwhile . . . somewhere across town
New Holiday

Should there be an alternative holiday in February for the portion of humanity that doesn't really click with Valentines Day?

"Oh, yeah, there definitely should."

What would you call it?

"Pity Party Day -- where you're allowed to wallow or your allowed to celebrate it."

Walloween?

"Walloween. Yeah, that could work."

dmurphy@png.canwest.com

Dirty Dancin

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« Reply #3 on: Feb 13, 2007, 01:27 PM »
You know you're an Oklahoman when...

       1. You can properly pronounce Kiowa, Muskogee, Nowata, Pushmataha, Pottawatomie, Sapulpa, Miami and Ouachita.

       2. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

       3. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

       4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

       5. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

       6. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

       7. You measure distance in minutes.

       8. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

       9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

      10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

      11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

      12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.

      13. You have known someone who has had a belt buckle bigger than your fist.

      14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.

      15. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.

      16. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol; a Ford F350 4x4 is.

      17. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressin'.

      18. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

      19. You actually understand this and you are "fixin' to" send it to your friends.

      20. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation: "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper!"

"It doesn't hurt to do something absolutely outrageous."

Shit machine gun

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« Reply #4 on: Feb 13, 2007, 01:32 PM »
You Know You're From Ontario When...

"Vacation" means going to Barrie for the weekend.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You use a down comforter in the summer.

You think of the major food groups as deer meat, fish, and berries.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time.

Your provincial capital calls in the army to help clean up after a snow storm.

Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump

You, and you, alone decide who will win the federal election

You're in the only province with hard-core American-style crime

MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar

Baseball fans park on your front lawn and pee on the side of your house

You know there's no such thing as an Ontario Seperatist

Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition

Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city

Have a new/better hint if someone is from this province? Send it in at the bottom of this page.

You have enough French vocabulary to get by some of the day in Ottawa without them thinking that you're a completly incapable American.

You find -40C a little chilly.

You voted Liberal in the last election.

You understand the Labatt's Blue commercials.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Ontario.
2009-2010 TPB FANTASY HOCKEY CHAMPION. 

"I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan." - Charles Barkley

I HATE Conky

"I hear chicken, cola fizz, mustard and relish, all coagulatin together, and french fries and onion rings, but you know what, I don't hear a heart, Motherfucker"

Shit machine gun

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« Reply #5 on: Feb 13, 2007, 01:34 PM »
You Know You're a Maritimer When....
by Author Unknown (Thanks to Kristal for sending to us!)
This will bring a smile to a Maritimers face!


1. You're idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. Vacation means going to Moncton, Fredericton or Halifax for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people that have hit a deer.
5. You often switch from Heat to A/C in the same day.
6. You use a down filled comforter in the summer.
7. Your Grandparents drive 100 km through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
9. You install security lights on both your house and garage and go away and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major foods groups as: Meat, Fish, and Tim Hortons.
11. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
12. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot of the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
13. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
15. Your lingerie consists of tube socks and flannel pajamas.
16. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.
17. It takes 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a hurry because you have to stop and talk to everybody in town.
18. All the houses in your area have Front Doors but no steps.

sohcahtoa

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« Reply #6 on: Feb 13, 2007, 09:28 PM »
You Know You From Small Town Saskatchewan when...(I'm gonna put a (*) beside all the ones that can apply to me for the hell of it, lol)

(*) Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor and combine crew on the highway.

"Vacation" means "back to school" shopping in Regina and if you're lucky, Saskatoon.

(*) You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.

(*)You measure distance in miles. Not minutes. Or kilometres.

(*) You've been to a tractor rally.

South to you means Montana.

(*) Winnipeg is "back East".

(*) B.C. is "the coast".

(*) You know people who have hit deer, elk or cattle.

(*) You know who has to pay for the damage to your truck and the dead cow when you hit one.

(*) Your school classes were cancelled because of cold, but only when it was -40 or colder and the school's boiler ran out of coal.

(*) You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

(*) You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

(*) You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

(*) You often reply "you bet!" or "hell yes!"

(*) You've gotten a "To Go" drink from the local bar.

You've stopped by the local bar to cash a check.

You install security lights on your house and barn and leave both unlocked.

(*) You carry jumper cables in your car.

(*) You know what "Cow Tipping", "Garden Raiding" and "Snipe Hunting" are.

(*) You only own 4 spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Cheese Whiz.

(*) You understand that it is simply not proper to put ketchup or steak sauce on a good steak.

You think sexy winter lingerie is a flannel nightie and tube socks.

(*) The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for High School Sports.

You think that the opening of white tail season should be a national holiday.

You carry a roll of toilet paper in the glove box in case you have to stop and go by the road.

Your radio antenna is an old clothes hanger or piece of baling wire.

(*) You find -20 degrees "a little chilly".

(*) You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction season.

(*) You know what a Prairie Oyster is, and have a recipe for them.

(*) You know someone who's shot themselves accidentally.

(*) Driver's Education was a joke for you and all your classmates since you all had been driving since you were 10.

You know someone who's lost their license due to an impaired charge and have seen their tractor or snowmobile parked at the local bar.

(*) You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

(*) You've gone to the grocery store on a snowmobile.

(*) Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

(*) Driving in the winter is often simply a matter of staying between the fence posts.

You think that washing your pickup is a waste of time and money.

You have never owned a vehicle that did not have cracks in the windshield.

You think everyone from a bigger city is stuck up.

(*) You get a little claustrophobic when you're in a "big city" like Saskatoon and their traffic is "just awful, you wouldn't believe it".

(*) You've attempted to set new land speed records on Sask's highways.

"Just cus' her dad's a bit of a fuckup, pardon my language in front of all these kids."

Fishyneil

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« Reply #7 on: Feb 13, 2007, 10:24 PM »
You know you live in Owen Sound when you have to shovel snow every day or get yourself a flame thrower.
Any one know where I can get one?
Fishy
"So why would you care
To get out of this place
You and me and all our friends
Such a happy human race"

TPB FAQ's... http://www.trailerparkboys.org/forums/index.php?topic=6806.0

sohcahtoa

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« Reply #8 on: Feb 13, 2007, 10:29 PM »
You know you live in Owen Sound when you have to shovel snow every day or get yourself a flame thrower.
Any one know where I can get one?
Fishy

Just fill a super-soaker with gas and duct tape some matches to the end to it, im sure that's safe.

Fishyneil

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« Reply #9 on: Feb 13, 2007, 10:31 PM »
I'm on it Sohc,
You got my belly with the nine volt stun gun? :lol:
Fishy

shake

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« Reply #10 on: Feb 13, 2007, 10:51 PM »
You know you live in Owen Sound when you have to shovel snow every day or get yourself a flame thrower.
Any one know where I can get one?
Fishy

Yeah some nut has one for sale in the ~The Mongoose Sentinal Classifieds~

Cappy

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You can't just give up on pulling up your pants!


Fishyneil

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« Reply #12 on: Feb 16, 2007, 09:57 AM »
Hahaha...friggin' $18 shipping to Canada :lol:
Gotta love Ebay.
Fishy

sohcahtoa

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DavidB_Bubbles

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« Reply #14 on: Feb 16, 2007, 10:08 AM »



Fishyneil

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« Reply #15 on: Feb 16, 2007, 10:42 AM »
Interesting find David 8)

We all like them cheers ;)
Fishy

sohcahtoa

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« Reply #16 on: Feb 16, 2007, 11:25 AM »
[youtube=425,350]T2gSl6qxWMA[/youtube]

Fishyneil

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« Reply #17 on: Feb 16, 2007, 11:28 AM »
 :rofl:
Too fucking true Sohcahtoa.
I think I just wet my waders.
Fishy

walterx2

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« Reply #18 on: Feb 22, 2007, 06:49 PM »
Check this out.

http://salon.com/ent/video_dog/

Click on Clark, The Canadian Hockey Goalie. I don't
know if you guys have seen this yet. If not enjoy!
"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." 

William J. Casey - Head of Reagan's CIA after his first staff meeting.

Brophy

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« Reply #19 on: Feb 22, 2007, 06:57 PM »
Hahahaha! Nice.  He was cute too.  Was he crossed-eyed?
Nom Nom Nom

SuzieQ

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« Reply #20 on: Feb 22, 2007, 07:05 PM »
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for
the Dallas/Ft. Worth market, here are just a few:

" Highland Park Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at The Galleria. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

" Plano Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Oak Cliff Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

"Frisco Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

" Mesquite Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

"Ft. Worth Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Southside Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

SuzieQ

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« Reply #21 on: Feb 22, 2007, 07:09 PM »
The rest of them:

" Lower Greenville Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon,  you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
 
" East Dallas Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories
include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

" Oak Lawn Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

DavidB_Bubbles

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« Reply #22 on: Feb 27, 2007, 11:45 PM »
I'm not sure how true all of these are. I found this posted on another board that I belong to, and no source was given. But I am willing to bet they are true.

Just some funny sex laws in the United States.

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.

Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an Illinois state law.

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgas