Topic: Need some advice about men

[Arlene]

ok kids laying it on the line and i am a bit lit...

so there is the cop. see now i know he is jerking me around, he is doing the far away so close thing all the time. he wants me likes me, but is scared to get into a relationship that means he will have to be faithful to one person. he comes tto me for emotional support and we do have an interesting dynamic. but i am always unable to relax around him, i dont know how to be me around him because i know if i push too hard or say the worng thing, i will get the cold sholder for a week and he will get mad or he will just start to act odd. i have no energy for this. recently his friend died, he depended on my emotional support and i picked him up while he was wasted at 12 in the morning and i was the only # he could remember. the problem was that he got into the car and stunk of booze...scotch...my ex fiances beverage of choice and he was physically and emotionally abusive, it was odd i came to terms with this years ago but when the cop got into the car, old memories came flooding back. then he would not leave the car, started crying...cop is a believer men who cry are pussy's and with this in mind is now not really talking to me because of my seeing him at his low point. Yes the girlfriends and male friends all hate him and he is the poster child for the big red flag. yet he is the one i want and think about all the fucking time and it is getting under my skin, exausted over crying over him. spent all afternoon upset over a dink that i know is a dink!

Then there is second guy, french and iranian, loaded, is one of the top psych consultants in canada, treats me like the princess, thinks i am the best thing in the world, can act like me around him but no vibe, the poor man is forgotten within seconds after talking to him.

so what the hell is wrong with me? girls am i alone in this, am i fucking nuts or what the hell! the girlfriends are voting for the later guy, but for some reason i can never get the first guy out of my head. Arrrr, girls any advice?? fuck maybe i just needed to vent.

a

[Saucy Bastard]

Why is it that the girls always go for the "bad guys" ?

[tan]

 :shock:i just got out of a relationship ...and not too sure if i were to be the best chosen for advice......but if ya wanna here it .....here it is

            men are baddddddddddddddddd buy a vibrator  it comes with an off button what more can one want...lol

but seriously....i read it and imma think of my words wisely and re post after i have a night's sleep (well hoping anyways going on a week of no sleep....exausted and so crannky i could hit myself)
 but hope i made ya smile with the off button thingie 

tan

[Saucy Bastard]

....it's a good thing that no one has been able to figure out how to make a vibrator that will also take the garbage out....

[Ms Vee]

If he is not there for you emotionally or whatever, then you need to think about giving him the heave-ho.  I went thru something similar some time ago.  I really cared for this guy and it seems that he just wanted a f*** buddy.  He would put me last in his priorities and that was a no-no. I didn't like being used.  A couple of times he said he loved me, but I think it was just to shut me up. So I just walked away.
Give the other guy a chance.

[Julians_Wife]

Why is it that the girls always go for the "bad guys" ?

Because we like a challenge and because we "think" that men will change for us, if we do what they like ........... sad but it's true!

so Arlene, the 2nd guy, do you really not like him? or do you just think you don't like him, because you're too hung up on the cop? I'm just asking because until you get rid of the cop, you haven't really opened yourself up to really liking the 2nd guy or really given him a fair shot.

[Arlene]

Lol you know the girls keep saying that i need to get the rabbit.

See i dont know what it is about the cop, he is a big red ass, he is not handsome, bald, red faced, angry all the time 290 pounds of anger man. Yet....

the second guy is 40, i am 26, so that is something of a concern for me. he is sweet and nice and honest. the cop i know has a line of women, they all do i have come to learn, but the second guy is just so nice and sweet. but...fuuck. the second guy called and is taking me to brunch tomorrow morning, because women always look beautiful in the morning...cheese line but whene a man says it in a french accent...i just dont know what is wrong with me, i must be insane or something. stupid.

[kittenlover]

Hi Arlene,

I think you should examine why you keep going back to your cop friend.  You admit he doesn't treat you well and from what you wrote, it sounds like this guy has some issues with women in general, not just you.

It is unfortunate that you allow the cop to abuse you with his blowing hot and cold.  You can't be yourself around him, he calls you up to help him and then won't see you because he havered in front of you. 

Take an inventory of each man's positive and negative qualities.  Put them on paper so that you can examine them over and over.  Take stock of both situations.  Be honest and as logical as you can. When the negatives outweigh the positives, it is time to walk away.  Everyone has baggage and you are dealing with your own as well as his.  You may be thinking about him more because he really seems to need some professional help and you may think that only you can save him with your kindness and compassion.

If that doesn't work, try to get some counselling to find out why you choose men with the same abusive tendencies.  This appears to be your pattern.  Hope this helps.

 

[Julians_Wife]

Lol you know the girls keep saying that i need to get the rabbit.

See i dont know what it is about the cop, he is a big red ass, he is not handsome, bald, red faced, angry all the time 290 pounds of anger man. Yet....

the second guy is 40, i am 26, so that is something of a concern for me. he is sweet and nice and honest. the cop i know has a line of women, they all do i have come to learn, but the second guy is just so nice and sweet. but...fuuck. the second guy called and is taking me to brunch tomorrow morning, because women always look beautiful in the morning...cheese line but whene a man says it in a french accent...i just dont know what is wrong with me, i must be insane or something. stupid.

Well you're not stupid, you're just confused. Anyway I am going to throw this question out to you .... you can answer here or send me PM or get on MSN jworg@hotmail.com or not answer me at all LOL  ......... which one have you slept with? Really none of my business and pretty personal (not trying to be nosy, just want to help), but as soon as you start sleeping with someone and seeing them quite frequently, there becomes more of an attachment. So if you've slept with the cop, would explain why you're so hung up on him, aside from the "challenge" thing we women got going on LOL.  And if the sex is good with the cop, when he's not being a jerk, you're going to get even more hung up on him because you believe that when you're sleeping with him, that he is really being "sincere" and does really care about you. And because of that, you "think", you can change the rest of him. I think he's a complete waste of your time personally, and doesn't see what you really have to offer, just get rid of him!

[Arlene]

Just added u...thanks

a

[SgtMeowsteen]

** but is scared to get into a relationship that means he will have to be faithful to one person. 
**i have no energy for this.
**he got into the car and stunk of booze...scotch...my ex fiances beverage of choice and he 
**he is the poster child for the big red flag.
**spent all afternoon upset over a dink that i know is a dink!

Well Arlene.....It appears you do still have energy for this. The Bad times will always outweigh the Good times and who ever ends up with this soul stripper will be fucking miserable. This guy is the reason I don't take shit from guys anymore. I know all about this guy. But as the years went by I got more self esteem about myself. And I started to see what was good for me guywise and otherwise.


The other pointdexter ???? He sounds really great but he is missing the hook. The hook being he sounds like he doesn't have an ounce of recklessness brewed into him. BORING !
Recklessness could mean a wicked wit or sense of humor. Being his own man instead of being needy of a woman. Having a hobby or sport he likes to do without you. Speaking his mind and not being afraid of what people think. That sort of recklessness. List goes on........

Perhaps that could serve some perspective?

Cute attracts me, but it doesn't sell me.

[Julians_Wife]

well we had a good chat and I really hope you feel better after that Arlene and like I said if you EVER need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you ;o)

And yeah Sarge, I hear ya girl, been there, done that, got the divorce papers and I'm not doing it again ;o) Arlene needs to take time to be ARLENE and do what Arlene wants to do, and if she needs to be 'selfish" for a while, so be it, but in the end, it will make a world of difference.

[tan]

   geee ya guys got it all covered....i won't have to tell her to shoot him after all

   great work girls

         arlene i hope you are feeling better ....there is nothing worse than being bummed over a man then ya get pissed off at yourself cause ya bummed over a man......so pick yourself up and do something for you and think about YOU for a while 

tan

[Arlene]

I just want to thank everyone for their help lastnight, it was wonderful to have other girl opinions and wonderful words of advice, esp. since my b/f keeps calling the big red flag my mr. big and its going to be romantic when we get together. Julians wife, Jen, you both helped so much and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and Tan, if you still want to shoot him, by all means...LOL

A

[hunnerbun]

So you say the second guy is a psych consultant....well if things don't work out with either one of them maybe you should introduce them to each other....sounds like Mr Big Cop could do with a bit of analysis...

But seriously....I would definitely stay far away from anyone who seems like he has as many issues as he does...especially since it seems you are only one of many on his list of women...no good can ever come of a situation like that!

[trailerchick]

The only thing I've learned over the years regarding men{all people really} is that you can't change or "save' anyone.The only thing you can do is accept the flaws{and live with them] or decide they are to much to deal with and cut bait.

Had I realized this in my 20's...I would have saved myself a world of grief.
 

[TheSamsquantch]

//begin rant:

Facts about men and women (as observed my me, so they are only facts as presented in my world - LOL)

1) Women loooooove assholes who treat them like shit.
    If they get a nice guy who treats them like a princess and brings the world to them on a silver tray, they treat him like shit, stomp on him, cheat on him and leave him for some piece of shit guy who beats her or abuses her, drinks way too heavily, and just doesn't give a flying fuck about her.

2) Women are evil, back stabbing, lying, cheating, heartless harpies, even if they don't think they are and do not know they are. - They still are, even if they have not shown you their true colours yet. :p

3) Men DO NOT think like women. If a man says he is not thiking of anything, he REALLY IS NOT thinking of anything. His mind is blank and he is enjoying a moment of thought-less-ness.

4) If you try to compliment a woman or say something that you mean to be nice, she will interpret what ever you say in the absolute worst possible way, get upset, possibly cry or get really pissed off at you and, give you the silent treatment or say there is nothiong wrong and act pissy toward you. LOL

5) Women TRY to look too deeply into what a man says. They look for obscure angles and meanings that are not there and were NEVER EVER meant or even thought of by the man.

6) Men can not live without women** (**unless he is gay, which is a total different scenario which I will not get into) so they are stuck having to try to pease these ever-mind-changing villianesses. - LOL

7) Women never seem to be happy with just a plane, simple home life: Work, play, sleep, go grocery shopping, help around the house (and I mean do their equal share), and go on vacation once in a while.

If women are in a relationship with an abusive, mentally controlling asshole, they think they can change him and mold him into what they think is the perfect man. That will not and can not happen. So, they keep getting into a cycle of abusinve shit-upon relationships, then get bitter about getting hurt. They take that and use it against the truely nice guys out there, so the nice guys get shit-upon for no reason.

**** Yes, I am bitter over being treated like shit and have, by choice, not dated in 3 years for fear of being shit upon again.

//end of rant.

[SgtMeowsteen]

I'm not offended by that rant. alot of guys feel that way. Especially if they've been soul stripped recently. But alot of women feel the same way too.

Hopefully we get over it and let go of the anger, hurt, bitterness and scorn. Then we grow a few more inches and make smarter choices next time.

It's never gonna stop. What you ranted about is always going to be felt. Maybe you feel better letting it all spill out and getting out of your system?  That's cool.

[Arlene]

A man rant! Wow!! I liked reading it, sometimes it is nice to see what the other side thinks. today, eh, went out for afternoon scotch and made up a list, girls it made me feel a thousand times better and took me away from crying in my office about if i am too fat, too smart, and what is wrong with me as a human being that I keep getting dumped on. Omg it turned into a bad day, even contemplated rebirthing the old eating disorder, nice thought. Anyway I am lucky to have been saved and a list was made. Girls here is the topics, wrote it out in a bar and the waitress even helped, my girlfriend was a blast, i love her for saving me and i feel 100% over it. the headings are thus and must be done with a close friend:

Reasons I am great
Things i need in a relationship
behavioral traits of (insert name) we hate
physical traits of (name) we hate
emotional traits of (name) we hate
the next one...
emotional/physical and career traits we would like
over all no no's and repetitive behavior we are attrackted too

See for me, never had a nice guy, never had a really nice guy interested in me, the only one who treated me nicely...to a degree and in compared to the rest...ended up fucking my best friends cousin and was most suprised when i found out. it turned out he kept picking chicks up on the internet. For me, i am what and who i am and it is something that my friends, male and female, love. never hide the me, will tell it as it is, i have the ability to take shit and deal with it, not a nag or anything and everytime i offer the nice sweet life for a male, they are the ones who end up fucking it up. never bitter about what has happened to me, i believe we encounter events and people in our lives for a reason, there is a reason this happend and we need to learn from it and in turn somehow we will share what we have leaned with those around us, hence the idea of emotional support from friends, both new and old, as it is this support with will provide us with the knowledge to learn a little more about ourselves and why at that time we are feeling like we are. i know i have a need to help and tend to take on more than i can chew, it is something in me that is able to do this, maybe it comes with the ability to deal with a tone of horrific situations in my life and have made these into a possitive and not ended up being a certified nut bar that people would have to visit under my tinfoil home....no offence to those who use tinfoil to keep out the space people....as for me, the nice ones, dont know where they are, the one who is interested in me now, far too old and has lived his life, has what he has now and wants to add someone to it. I want to form experiences with someone close to my age, have the horrible kids and a partner who can keep up with a family, i want more bills and a few arguments about money and all that stuff, i am not ready to be kept. my real abusive relationship, and not just the fuckwitt cop who i know comes from a questionable history, but the one with the guy who everyone loved and was seen as a hero amung men, seemed nice and had a very dark side. i stayed because i thought i could help and i did not want this to happen to another woman. i left because i was so very exausted and so very old for someone who was just 23 attached to a man who was 37. knew i could not change him or fic him, but i wanted to help.

my two cents
a

[TheSamsquantch]

I wish you the best in your problems/life/love/relationships ... things in life are very rarely easy ... as I have found out all too many times. *cry* ... I have almost given up on the idea of ever finding anyone.

I am very shocked that a girl at my school (if you have not kept up with me recently, I quit my job and went back to university at 30 yrs old) who is 21 yrs old from the Dominican Republic has been paying a lot of attention to me. Sitting next to me when she can, getting things for me in class ... making me wonder if she is interested in me. She always smiles when she sees me, always waves to me from acorss the campus ....

*sigh* If only I knew if she liked me...


LOL


I guess the only way to find out is to ask her out... (holy shit I am scared to do that!!)

[Arlene]

Thanks samsquantch and anytime you wanna rant, i will gladly listen and, as i was fortunate enough to find out, so will a lot of people on the org.

my two bits...

Make sure she is not attached to any one and if not ...ASK HER OUT! LOL, seems like she is interested!

A

[kitty meiowenstein]

arlene i married my dream man after a series of losers.

don't take any crap. strike one, you're out.  If a man loves you, you won't need to ask if he does, it'll be that obvious. Have your own life and if he's good enough for you, he'll do the running. sorry guys but thats the way it has to be. if women run, they're seen as slags, am I right?

be friendly and dont play games but dont let anyone treat you less than the princess you are. tell you, its way better romance than all the "will he call me" shit.

[SgtMeowsteen]

I am very shocked that a girl at my school (if you have not kept up with me recently, I quit my job and went back to university at 30 yrs old) who is 21 yrs old from the Dominican Republic has been paying a lot of attention to me. Sitting next to me when she can, getting things for me in class ... making me wonder if she is interested in me. She always smiles when she sees me, always waves to me from across the campus ....

*sigh* If only I knew if she liked me...


LOL


I guess the only way to find out is to ask her out... (holy shit I am scared to do that!!)

Gee that is basically the same thing that happened to me and JulianRocks at the Marquee Party


Just keep it light.....friend stuff. Coffee or lunch. Bring her a donut if it's a morning class. And if she gives you a kiss, bring her a croissant.

[Shit machine gun]

Advice from Me.

Men like boobies
Men like booze
men like cars
Men love sports
men love other things like puppies, sunsets, long walks on the beach and chickflicks but may be too masculine to admit it.

[KarateCollie]

Well, here goes. I'm thinking that you should just come out and ask the "cop" guy what's up? Ever watch Oprah, with that, "He's Really Not That Into You" book? I'm thinking you need to get rid of him, and you do the dumping!! Now as for the Psych guy, if there's no chemistry, than forget him as well. I mean you could give it a go once you remove the cop guy from the picture( as someone else suggested, sorry I can't quite remember. Coulda been Sarge..), but let's face it, if you ain't feelin it with him, than you shouldn't play with his head either(no pun intended!)Find the guy who gets the most checks on your "What I want in a guy" list.Then you know you'll be happy. Be true to yourself and don't always cater to the guy. It's a give and take kinda thing, or no one will be happy. Of course if there are men reading this it can go Vice versa, I'm not trying to bash men. As the old song goes, "It Takes Two To Make a Thing Go Right..." Not sure who sang that. Late 80's Hip Hop I think.Take care Arlene, best of luck.